Blessed with more job security than Kanye West’s psychiatrist, Bob Stoops will waddle out of the tunnel Saturday to begin his 17th season as the OU football coach.

Grab a beer, a smoke, or whatever pharmaceutical assistance you may need to make it through the 2015-16 OU football season; you’re going to need it, Sooners fans.

Led by the only man who can defeat Bob Stoops in a wet T-shirt contest, Terry Bowden, the Akron Zips come to Norman, Oklahoma on September 5 to begin the OU odyssey.  There is no need to pontificate here, as this will be a Sooners beat whuppin’ [sic]. My prediction: OU-30, Akron-13.

A lot of people have called me crazy regarding my prediction for the Sooners trek to  Knoxville, Tennessee on September 12. Since OU dismantled the Volunteers last year in Norman, I have really admired the work done by the underrated, overlooked Butch Jones. Jones is building a winner in the Smoky Mountains region of East Tennessee. Let me get this straight: OU is taking a Mike Leach disciple, Lincoln Riley, Stoops’s latest victim of blame, and a former TTU quarterback, Baker Mayfield, into a night game at Neyland Stadium in front of 108,000+ screaming UT fans. UT has a tremendous recruiting class (their second consecutive top-10), and unfortunately, I expect their front seven, especially their front four, to harass Mayfield to the point of having the new OU QB squirming on the ground like a stripper trying to make rent. My prediction: UT-31, OU-13.

On September 19, OU limps into Tulsa to recover from their down home beating, y’all. Unless the Golden Hurricane (sounds like a fetish website) suit up that 900-foot statue of Jesus, they don’t have a prayer of beating OU. My prediction: OU-44, Golden Hurricane-19.

October 3 is a dangerous game for OU. At press time, the time for kickoff is TBD. I’m going to presume it will be a night game, as that will be a certain ratings grab. The WVU spread offense will light up the back end of the OU defense. Some days you’re the lighter fluid, some days you’re the burning couch in the street. OU will be the latter. I expect this game to be reasonably close for a while, which will be expressly due to Samaje Perine keeping the ball out of the inexperienced Baker Mayfield’s hands. However, I see WVU pulling away late in the 3rd quarter. My prediction: WVU-42, OU-29.

The Red River Rivalry invades the Texas State Fairgrounds on October 10. Texas always has a solid D-Line and an above average linebackers corps. Here are two things I cannot comprehend about Texas: 1) They always recruit 4- and 5-star RBs and QBs, but paradoxically, they routinely fail at the major D-I level; & 2) I appear to be the only one in the Western Hemisphere who refuses to be impressed by the hiring of Charlie Strong. If the OU O-Line can open holes for Perine and protect Mayfield, OU should win this cure for insomnia. My prediction: OU-27, Texas-14.

Bill Snyder and his KSU Wildcats host OU on October 17. I often refer to K-State as JuCoU, but trust me when I say this is a compliment to Snyder’s accomplishments with what he has. These boys were not in the ESPN 300, and they wear that snub as a badge of honor. This badge/chip on their shoulders fuels these boys; it spurs them to leave their hearts on the field after they outwork their opponents. Jimmy Hoffa has been found alive and well! Alright, if you buy that, you also believe OJ didn’t do it and OU has a chance of winning this game. My prediction: KSU-33, OU-16.

In a game that will ostensibly feature even less defense than the NBA All-Star Game, TTU comes to Norman on October 24. I am more interested in watching Miley Cyrus and Jack Black debate foreign policy than I care to watch this insufferable display of backyard “chuck and duck” football. My prediction: OU-48, TTU-44.

October 31 has OU traveling to Lawrence, Kansas. If you feel the need to make a Halloween pun ensconced in all the wit needed to generate a beer fart, please punch yourself in the face. This is the epitome of a trap game for OU, as it is a game where OU should roll, but in typical Stoops fashion, the Sooners will enter this game ill-prepared and arrogant. Mr. Gorbachev, tear down these goal posts! My prediction: KU-29, OU-24.

On November 7, the Cyclones of ISU blow into Norman with all the force of a smart car with the emergency brake engaged. If this game was in windy, snowy Ames, ISU might attempt to put up a fight. Perine will rush for 300 yards and four touchdowns. Mayfield should shred the ISU defense. My prediction: OU-42, ISU-17.

Here is the only thing you need to know about November 14. Art Briles is the windshield and Bob Stoops is the depressed bug. In Waco, OU shall receive an ass whipping of the highest order. So let it be written, so let it be done. Baylor is quicker, faster, smarter, and hungrier than OU in every facet of the game (coaching definitely included) and at every position on the field. Baylor will produce 600+ yards of total offense and at least one special touchdown on special teams. Even Perine won’t be able to save OU on this day. My prediction: Baylor-52, OU-24.

November 21 might just put OU in a catatonic state. Gary Patterson is a terribly intelligent football coach whom any fan, alum, booster, etc. would be proud to call their own. Imagine hauling an entire cargo van full of fat kids whom you have told you are taking to the Cheesecake Factory for an unlimited buffet, but then you take them to a vegan café. That is how angry and nefarious this TCU defense is. Boykin is gunning for a Heisman Trophy and a possible selection in the first round of the 2016 NFL Draft. Thus, I expect Boykin to put up big numbers against OU in Norman. My prediction: TCU- 43, OU-18.

November 28 is Bedlam in Stillwater. I know it is on the road, but Stoops, for some reason, seems to own Mike Gundy. This will be a high-octane game devoid of defense, with some revenge in place for last season. My prediction: OU-38, OSU-35.

Bottom line, this is going to be an ugly season for OU. I have the Sooners finishing 6-6 with an invitation to play a lower-tier D-I team in the Inaugural Bill Cosby Bowl Sponsored by Ambien.

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